2009-08-17 - 12:41 p.m.

Monday, August 17, 2009

KEEPING ON

Well, what can I say. Life keeps going on.

Tom's death still hurts me, it always will. I'll always wonder if there was something I could have done to ease his pain, to really help him climb out of misery. This is a vicious circle of thinking, and I can't go through the loop for long, otherwise I just cry and cry.

Something I've come to realize about suicide. Here goes:

Sometimes people really just can't take their lives anymore. If this is you, PLEASE consider your family and friends. Is this really the only option? Have you spoken to your doctor about depression, or other possible causes? However, if after you've gone over it a billion times, the only option looks like death, then:

If you can, make it look like an accident. Do you really want your friends and family to suffer even more over your death?
If you can't, leave at least one note. Explain why you're doing this. Make it short, make it long. Blame yourself, blame your mom, whatever. Although, it would be best for the people you leave behind to NOT blame them. Make sure that someone will get the note.

Also, there are online services out there that can help you leave behind notes to your friends. You can set it up so that they get the note right away. (Depends on what settings you choose for your preferences.)

So, yeah. Either make it look accidental, or fucking explain yourself. Because believe me:

Your loved ones need closure. We NEED it.

So, in my continuing life, things are good and bad, as always.

Good: My job. Even though my job is chimp-worthy, at least I'm still working. My manager is an understanding guy. My co-workers are mostly nice, funny people. Also, they have been flexible enough to give me 3 nights a week off. (Not all together, but still.) So that's really good.

Bad: My job. The truth is, that data entry has pretty much lost it's charm for me. I mean, I can still get into the "work mode." It's just that it is no longer nearly as appealing as it used to be.

Good: The future. I'm going to take the HypnoBirthing certification course. I want to try teaching this to pregnant women. It's a great way to help people, to do something meaningful, and make money at the same time.

Bad: The future. It's going to cost at least $1000 Cdn to take this course. And that does not include my travel and accomodations. I'll have to attend a 2-day seminar somewhere in order to take this course. Weeee. So I have to save up some money. Hopefully my parents will pay for half, and then I can pay them back later.

Good: My life with Joe. He's the best man for me, really. I know that in my heart.

Bad: My obsession with "might have beens". There is one guy in particular - I've referred to him in this journal as "John-Boy." He is often in my thoughts, and I wish it would go away. Facebook has not helped in this case, in fact, it's made it worse. I really think my brain was finally moving on, but then I had to join the big FB. And there he was.

He recently wrote an FB note called "My life according to Joe Jackson." In it, he answers a series of questions about his life, and answers only by using titles of Joe Jackson songs.

Here is one question and answer that really made me cry:

What's your best friends name:
The Other Me

The reason it made me cry is the lyrics to this song. Now, I'm sure that he was only using the title of the song to answer the question, in his own funny way. He probably wasn't really thinking of the lyrics. And I'm especially sure that he wasn't thinking of me. Doesn't matter. Hurts anyway.

Joe Jackson - The Other Me

I guess we can still be friends
I guess we can talk at least
But if we were seventeen
Imagine the things we'd do
I know that those days are over
I'm glad that those games are won
And the winners ride off into the sunset
But it's not the same for you

And I don't want to play
Those nasty games that adults play
But I can't let you go
And I can't see another way

refrain:
And I know that she's the only one for me
But you know that if I could split in two
The other me would stay all night
The other me would hold you tight
The other me would be the only one for you

When I see you there alone
It almost breaks my heart
But it doesn't break enough
For me to break my whole life apart
I guess we could still be friends
And we can talk all night
But I have to bite my tongue
And sometimes words don't come out right

We're old enough to know
What we can think or say out loud
To know that hearts are not just
Cards to play when two's a crowd

refrain

The other me would take you so far away from here
And he'd be a man with a mission
The other me might even be better than this one

refrain

Joe Jackson is one of my favourite singer/songwriters. I never heard this one by him before.

A while back, "John-Boy" went off Facebook for a bit. At first, this really drove me nuts - I could not get my "John-Boy" fix. It got better after a while, though. Of course, when he returned, I was estactic.

Maybe I should just get off of FB again for a while, myself. I really don't know. All I know is that I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't tell him how I feel.

I fantasize about sending him a mix cd of a bunch of songs. I fantasize about writing him letters that tell him everything. Signed, or unsigned. These thoughts lead to nowhere good.

I just can't shake it. I can't shake the feeling that we could have been something wonderful, something so amazing. I can't help imagining lying with him in bed, just snuggling up, and talking, and laughing.

I know there would have been a lot of laughter. And maybe he would have inspired me. To be a better me.

Joe and I are too complacent with each other. But I want to change. I'm trying to change. It's just hard.

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